THIS JUST IN

This is Kyle reporting from our Werewolf Bar Mitzvahcopter.

We're still foggy on the details, but it seems that the mass murdering in Hollywood today has been caused be someone who is dressed up as Michael Jackson circa Thriller. Witnesses have seen this man biting people and eating their remains without any hesitation. I'm not sure if this is just a ploy to advertise the new Michael Jackson documentary This Is It, or if it is indeed for real.

Not only has he been terrorizing the city, but the people have taken the law into their own hands. One of the most popular Halloween costumes this year was Michael Jackson so not only is this man murdering innocent bystanders, but many teenagers and drunken college students have been shot dead by their neighbors who thought they were the crazed lunatic. It's like a scene out of a bad horror movie.

Police are investigating further. They have called all of the jails and mental hospitals within a 200 mile radius trying to figure out if there have been any escapees. I just got word that the gravesite of the pop musician has been dug up with no traces of the body.

One thing is for sure, if this is just a marketing scheme it is a sick one.

I'll turn things over to Michael.

Thanks Kyle.

What seemed to be a cruel and murderous practical joke centered around a recently deceased pop-star has spun even more wildly out of control. Friends and family of the late Michael Jackson have flown to the area in light speed jets, which us poor people didn't know existed until now, in order to identify the now re-animated body. They have confirmed our deepest fears: Michael Jackson HAS come back to life and appears to be murdering hundreds.

When Diana Ross approached Jackson to beg for him to stop the madness, Jackson reportedly grabbed her and started gnawing ferociously at her flesh. When asked to put Ross down, a monstrous Michael Jackson replied "The Girl is Mine!" It was then that the local police force, without any other options, opened fire on the decaying music legend. Completely unharmed, Jackson shouted "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'?" to which the chief of police responded "Beat it!" It would seem that this madness would be enough, but the horror continued.

The victims of the late pop idol have begun coming back to life, and are following Jackson down the streets, marauding for the flesh of the living. When a future victim of the zombie-like mob dropped to his knees and asked Mr. Jackson why this was happening, the cold, lifeless words of Michael were all too clear: "'Cause this is thriller! Thiller night!" It seems we have certainly been struck by a smooth criminal. I can't stay in this scene of unimaginable horror any longer, I need to help get people to safety, and I'm starting with the man in the mirror.

I'll pass this over to Jon in the studio. Jon?

Thanks Michael.

Things have only gotten worse since our last update, folks. Zombie Michael Jackson has been continuing his rampage in Hollywood, and has gathered a massive zombie army. Eye witness reports say a large group of especially big MJ-fans-turned-zombies have formed a grand throne for ZMJ out of their own bodies, and are using it to transport him east, followed by the thousands that have been zombified. For the last half hour they have been moonwalking at incredible speed toward the east coast, and at this point they are already entering Missouri. No one knows what their true target is, but my guess is we'll find out soon.

This just in! The zombie army had entered Washington, D.C. and immediately turned toward the White House. Despite the Secret Service's best attempts, including an experimental zombie shield they had been researching for this exact situation, ZMJ was able to break into the White House, and I fear we have terrible news: President Obama is a zombie. Zombie Obama has called a national press conference in ZMJ's behalf, and we will be transcribing the conference live.

The conference is starting. ZMJ is at the podium.

ZMJ: "People of America, and of all countries. I am the deceased corpse of the once loved Michael Jackson. I have risen from the dead and zombified thousands to deliver this message to you all: My new movie, a compilation of interviews, rehearsals and backstage footage of myself as I prepared for my series of sold-out shows in London, titled Michael Jackson's This Is It, is now in theaters worldwide. The Wall Street Journal calls it a "brilliantly packaged... phantasmagoria", and the Los Angeles Times says it's "dazzling and strange". Order your tickets on Fandango today!"

After delivering his message, ZMJ fell to the ground, dead. Again. Everyone who has been zombified now appears to be acting normal again, mentally. Physically they're still missing large amounts of flesh, though it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone. We are moving in for some interviews.

WBM: "Tell me Janet, what just happened?"
Janet Jackson: "Oh, well me and the rest of our family wanted to help support Michael's new movie, so we bought a reanimater from an evil scientist on Evil Island and brought Michael back. And it seems to have worked!"

And she's right! There seems to be pretty big buzz going around right now. Let's talk to some of the post-zombies.

WBM: "Sir, will you be seeing This Is It in theaters this weekend?"
Sir: "I gotta tell ya, I wasn't, but this marketing campaign has really impressed me. I'll probably see it at least six times now."
WBM: "But tell me, was this all planned? I mean, you guys were all acting, right? And this is just make-up?"
Sir: "No, that was really Michael Jackson, and we were really zombified. I mean, I'm missing a large amount of flesh right now, as you can see. But man, right now I'm just cannot wait to see this movie!"
WBM: "Thank you for your time."

Well folks, this seems to be the end of the Halloween Zombie Michael Jackson story. Who would have guessed it would turn out like this. Great marketing campaign, or greatest marketing campaign? Well that's all we have time for tonight, remember to tune into Werewolf Bar Mitzvah for up to the minute news.

Back to you, Kyle.

Well, this has definitely made America's Halloween more interesting this year.

Thank you Michael and Jonathan for your top notch reporter work!

And kids remember, don't get into any strange vehicles and check your candy for razor blades and your bananas for acid!

Happy Halloween!

Top Ten Movies That Take Place On Halloween

Welcome to our first Top Ten list! It's a pretty simple concept. In lieu of it being Halloween, I've gathered my personal top ten favorite movies that either take place on Halloween or a part of it does and the whole movie fits the Halloween mood. These are movies I try to watch every October.

10. Jack-O



This is one of the worst films ever made. That's why it's so great! It's about a warlock who sends a pumpkin headed demon to terrorize a family and murder everyone in it's path. I know, sounds fantastic right?! It has some of the worst acting, funniest dialogue and hilarious murders ever conceived. It's a perfect film to watch with your friends, and even better if you're drinking hard cider.

9. The Exorcist



I know I know, only about 5 minutes actually take place on Halloween but the whole movie has an eerie autumn feel to it. Not to mention it's one of the only movies that legitimately scares me. It's a classic and I'm sure I don't have to explain why. I'm assuming if you are a fan of the horror genre, you've already seen this masterpiece.

8. Arsenic and Old Lace



We watched this in my film class in high school. I was in a room full of kids that didn't like the idea of an old black and white comedy about a bunch of old ladies, but by the first quarter we were all laughing out loud hysterically. One of Frank Capra's best films in my opinion, and a definite classic. (It's also noteworthy to mention I played the character Teddy in a high school production of this... until I quit).

7. Ginger Snaps



This is an indie film about a girl who becomes a werewolf, only it's all a big metaphor for when a girl reaches her... ummm... "womanhood". It's beautifully shot and well done for such an independent feature, and it's one of my favorite werewolf films. It's bound to show up on my top ten werewolf movies list that I write when the remake of Wolf Man comes out.

6. House of 1000 Corpses



This is Rob Zombies first attempt at film making, and while it isn't nearly as good as his followup The Devil's Rejects, it's a fun little movie. It all takes place on Halloween night in a creepy house in the middle of nowhere, and it features Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office) in one of his first roles. What more could you want, right? Throw in a creepy family, some pretty disgusting death scenes and a murderous clown and you have a great film to watch around Halloween time.

5. Donnie Darko



This might be my personal favorite movie of all time. It's one I can watch over and over again, and never get bored. A great first film from Richard Kelly with amazing performances from Jake Gyllenhaal and Jena Malone. It's either a love it or hate it film which can get you in many long arguments with people. With subjects such as time travel, religion and a giant scary bunny which all leads to a climax on Halloween night. If you haven't seen it yet, please, check it out.

4. Ernest Scared Stupid



Do I even have to explain why? If you haven't seen this movie, then I don't know why I'm associated with you at all.

3. Night of the Demons



A bunch of horny high school kids have a party in an old, creepy mortuary on Halloween night. They attempt to communicate with spirits and are very successful as a demon is released amongst them. It's cheesy, bloody and full of sex! It's the 80's at it's best and is a cult classic among many horror fans. Unfortunately, it is being remade but I guess I can't judge it until I see it.

2. Trick 'r Treat



This was made a few years ago, but wasn't released until just a few weeks ago due to Warner Bros. delaying it further and further. I couldn't wait to get my hands on it and when I finally did, I was not disappointed. Like Creepshow, it's a made up of a few stories which are all tied together on Halloween night. A murderous high school principal, a ghost story about a haunted school bus, a girl is being stalked by a vampire, a grumpy old man who hates Halloween is being terrorized by something and a small, mysterious trick or treater by the name of Sam. It's the most fun I've had watching a movie in a long time and I recommend it to anyone who loves the holiday.

1. The Halloween Series



Come on, what else did you expect? I'm mostly talking about the first one, John Carpenter's classic. Michael Myers is one of the greatest characters in film history and the original Halloween is a masterpiece. I watched it for the first time on Halloween night when I was eight and have watched it every year since then. Granted, the series has declined a lot over the years due to some questionable sequels and remakes, but parts two, four and seven are all great, and the rest are decent and worth watching. It captures the eerie feeling that the holiday has, and although it's about a bunch of high schoolers being murdered, it strangely makes me feel warm and happy inside.

Honorable Mentions: George Romero's Dead Series, Creepshow, Idle Hands, E.T. Hocus Pocus, Ed Wood, Behind the Mask, Halloweentown (your welcome), Mr. Mom and Jack the Bear. Which totally doesn't make me cry.

Happy Halloween!

Ballyhoo #1: Beach House - Teen Dream

Dictionary: bal-ly-hoo

n., pl., -hoos.

1. Sensational or clamorous advertising or publicity.
2. Noisy shouting or uproar.

tr.v., -hooed, -hoo·ing, -hoos.

1. To advertise or publicize by sensational methods

Welcome to Ballyhoo! This is where we will take a future release (an album, movie, book etc.), gather up as much news as we can and rant and rave about how excited we are for it! Why is it called Ballyhoo? Because other words like hype, promotion and hoopla are boring. Well, maybe not hoopla but regardless, it's called Ballyhoo. Today I will tell you all about one of my favorite bands, Beach House, and how they have a new album coming out in January! Fasten your seat belts!



Formed in Baltimore, Maryland, Beach House is a two person band consisting of Victoria Legrand on vocals and organ, and Alex Scally on guitar and keyboards. Their music is very hard to categorize. Fuzzy Dream Pop Shoegaze is the best I can do. They released their first album which was self-titled on Carpark records in 2006. It was praised by many critics and was placed on many year-end lists. Their followup, Devotion, reached even greater acclaim and is one of my personal favorite albums (a 9.6/10 in case you were wondering). Since then, Victoria has done some guest vocals for Grizzly Bear on the songs "Two Weeks" and "Slow Life", and Alex has helped the band Papercuts with their latest album You Can Have What You Want.

The band's third album titled Teen Dream will be released on Sub Pop records January 26, 2010. Consisting of ten tracks (one of which, "Used To Be", was released as a single in 2008), both members have said that the new material will be a little more upbeat and more exciting than their previous two albums. Sub Pop claims that this is their "greatest work to date".

Teen Dream was recorded in an old church called Dreamland in upstate NY. It was produced by Chris Coady who has worked with TV on the Radio, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and many other bands. Sub Pop states that "the new album gives voice to a full universe of unbridled imagination, and the manifestation of Teen Dream has been a welcomed and all-consuming obsession for Beach House the past 9-12 months." A few of their older songs will be posted in our playlist to the right.



Teen Dream will be released on CD, and double LP and both will be packaged with a DVD containing videos for each song on the album. There is no album art released yet but it will be posted on here once it is. I encourage everyone to check them out if you get a chance and I assure you, if you like well-written songs that focus on perfect melodies and beautiful instrumentation, you wont be disappointed.

Teen Dream

1. Zebra
2. Silver Soul
3. Norway
4. Walk in the Park
5. Used to Be
6. Lover of Mine
7. Better Times
8. 10 Mile Stereo
9. Real Love
10. Take Care

THIS JUST IN

It has recently been discovered that the musical group Animal Collective is in fact a collective of humans. While this caused some controversy amongst the group's fans, scientists have confirmed that humans can safely be considered animals.

Michael's Time Travel Adventures Part 2: Super Mario Bros. 2

So I woke up today, and I was in the year 1988. What a crazy time in my life! I didn't even bother checking the calender because I was way more excited about something my parents bought me yesterday. THE NEW MARIO GAME!!!! Those guys at Nintendo are geniuses for making a sequel after the first Super Mario Bros., I hope they keep it up. So here it is, my review of the new Super Mario Bros. 2!!!!!


When: 1988

What: Super Mario Bros. 2 review

I got out of bed. I threw in my Rush cassette. Cranked up Tom Sawyer. Unplugged my Atari and plugged in my Nintendo. Blew some air into the cartridge. Loaded her up. Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.

Super Mario Bros. 2 is like an amazing, psychedelic dream, and the amazing psychedelic dream is like going to a circus on ludes. You start off by falling. That's right, you START OFF BY FALLING. From where? Damned if I know. You fall into a room that has a couple of bad guys which refuse to die when you jump on them. Instead, you just get CARRIED by them! That first jump on top of a baddy was when I realized just how different this game would be from the original. Once you figure out that you actually have to pick up one of them and throw him/her/it into THE OTHER bad guy, you move on down toward the bottom of the room, where moving right off screen takes you to the left of the screen, and vice versa in an infinite loop. This alone kept me occupied and entertained for about 20 minutes. When it was finally time to enter the big red door on the right, my real adventure began...

There are countless major differences between 1 and 2, the most important of which is that the player is not just restricted to Mario, but can choose between four characters: Mario, Luigi, Toad, and The Princess. All of the characters have different strengths and weaknesses (Toad is fast, Luigi jumps high, the Princess FLIES) and some are better for different levels than others. This is revolutionary, and the fact that picking a different character, while leaving everything else in the game the same, can change the whole experience literally makes the game 4x better than it would've been. To list all the differences between the original and the sequel would take forever, so I'll hit some of the highlights:

The ability to pick up objects AND enemies.
Magic potions that take you to a 'mirror-world' environment.
Mini-game between levels that plays like a slot-machine.
Health meter that extends after you are already big.
The ability to go back to a previous point in a level simply by walking towards the left of the screen (A...MAZING)

And so much more. The levels are so much more complex, allowing falls from great heights and travel (sometimes by rocket ship) high into the sky. The different terrains include clouds, caves, ice-worlds, deserts, and brick buildings. There are scores of new enemies, each completely unique and most of which provide challenges never before seen. The bosses range from cute new fighting styles to INCREDIBLY difficult, and as soon as you finish the game, you'll want to hit the reset button and start all over again.

There is a reason for the major differences though, and it is simply (and disappointingly) that the designers of Mario 1 did not design Mario 2. In fact, no one who even wanted to make a Mario sequel designed it.

The game is a redesign of the Japanes title Yume Kojo: Doki Doki Panic. I like to think I know what that means, but I don't. Despite the fact that the game is not totally original, we should not judge it differently, because gameplay is gameplay, and in a sense the elements of the game are original to mario and his friends. Right?

To sum up, GO OUT AND BUY SUPER MARIO BROS. 2!!!!! My official score is halfway between Heavy and Radical, and I'll probably never stop playing it. Ever.

Next time on Michael's Time Travel Adventures!!: A gadget review/interview in the year 2033 of/with the first A.I. robot with a mental handicap. Bring your tissues.

Jonathan's Scoring System: DSS

For those who read my No More Stories… review, you may have noticed a strange scoring system in place. It’s a new system I developed called The Decimalsaur Scoring System, or DSS. It’s actually a very simple system: I have merely replaced all whole numbers with various dinosaur species, while keeping numerical decimals for further score accuracy. Ten dinosaurs correspond to the numbers one through ten, based on the dinosaur’s average estimated weight, as found on its Wikipedia page. These dinosaurs and corresponding numbers are as follows:

1 – Anchiornis
2 – Eoraptor
3 – Velociraptor
4 - Stegosaurus
5 - Iguanodon
6 – Edmontosaurus
7 – Ankylosaurus
8 – Tyrannosaurus Rex
9 – Triceratops
10 – Brachiosaurus

So for example, my score for No More Stories… was a Triceratops.1 in DDS, which would be a 9.1 when converted to the average Pure Numerical Scoring System (PNSS). Obviously, this system has no benefits and is actually far inferior to pretty much any PNSS, but it’s my review and I’ll score it as nonsensically as I want! IRREGARDLESS!

Mew - No More Stories/Are Told Today/I’m Sorry/They Washed Away/No More Stories/The World Is Grey/I’m Tired/Let’s Wash Away

“Through all this, we decipher. And what’s worse: we’re no wiser.”

It’s strange, five months ago I had no idea who Mew were, and now here I am, reviewing their new album, which is (SPOILERS!) one of my favorites this year. Life, huh?

Hailing from Denmark, they’ve apparently been pretty famous over there since their 2003 release, Frengers (a portmanteau of the words friend and stranger), and started getting global attention after their 2005 album And the Glass Handed Kites (thanks Wikipedia!). Yes, both those albums have ridiculous names and even more ridiculous album art, but they’re also both great. And Mew’s newest album, No More Stories/Are Told Today/I’m Sorry/They Washed Away/No More Stories/The World Is Grey/I’m Tired/Let’s Wash Away (which will be shorted to No More Stories… for the rest of this review because ridiculous) follows in suite: crazy long title, seemingly illogical artwork, and a fantastic album.

For those unfamiliar with Mew, which I assume is almost all of you, they’ve made a successful career out of combining catchy pop sensibilities with keyboard-heavy progressive tendencies. This combination could have easily gone awry, but in Mew’s hands it works wonderfully. No More Stories… takes the catchy accessibility of Frengers and combines it with the epic, over the top attitude of And the Glass Handed Kites to create a perfect blend of what the band does best. From the heavily backmasked opener “New Terrain”, to the sad, synth-powered closer “Reprise”, you’ll find there are just as many hummable melodies as there are bombastic climaxes.

No More Stories… is split into three parts by two Intermezzos, as they’re called here (interesting note: while they’re called Intermezzo 1 and 2 in most tracklists, these names do not appear anywhere on the packaging. Instead, the titles of these songs are replaced by recolored versions of the face/butterfly on the album cover. So I guess the official titles are pictures?). The first part consists of four songs, and is absolutely fantastic. “New Terrain”, which uses heavy backmasking on pretty much everything, and is actually a completely different song when played backwards, fades into what might be the best song on the album, “Introducing Palace Players”. After a glitchy, sporadic intro it segues into a strange-but-catchy guitar riff that carries through most of the song, holding it down through the dreamy keyboard and vocals, and then goes out in a quick but effective bang. The next two songs, “Beach” and “Repeaterbeater”, are easily the shortest and most straightforward songs Mew has written since Frengers. Fortunately, straightforward doesn’t mean boring, as Mew is able to pack a lot of musical ideas into these five minutes, especially in “Repeaterbeater”.

After the quick “Intermezzo 1”, No More Stories… slows it down a bit with the simple, dreamy ballad “Silas the Magic Car”, then brings out its epic centerpiece, “Cartoons and Macramé Wounds”, which starts big, gets small, then gets huge, ending in the biggest climax on the album. After the short “Hawaii Dream” (whose lyrics are the album’s title) and “Hawaii”, a marimba-tinged highlight, the albums hits its lowest point. Not to say that “Vaccine” and “Tricks of the Trade” are bad songs by any means, I actually really like the second half of “Tricks of the Trade”, they simply don’t quite hold up to the rest of the album.

That said, the album finishes on a high note. “Sometimes Life Isn’t Easy” includes a song structure that goes from huge to minimal, a blistering sax solo, and one of the catchiest, happiest sounding choruses the band has written. The album closes with the slow, sad reprise of “Silas the Magic Car”, “Reprise”. While pretty much all the lyrics on this album are about various kinds of relationships (all of them troubled), the lyrics of “Reprise” seem to be the laments of a man who regrets not doing more with his life. It’s a little depressing, but fits nicely as the closer, as if to say, “Life can be hard sometimes, but make sure you don’t waste it”.

No More Stories… is a terrific accomplishment for Mew, as it acts as an almost perfect blend of everything Mew has to offer. If you’re an old fan, this album is sure to please you. And if you’re new to Mew, I suggest checking them out. As the old saying goes, “Sometimes you have to go to Denmark to find what you love”. Probably.

Triceratops.1

Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson - Summer of Fear

"Scene One: Angeline walks on. She's got a handful of lives. She's rollin' the dice."

Do you ever listen to a song or an album from a different decade and wish that you had been around then? When times were simple and people were different (or at least we'd like to think they were). When music was changing the world and everything seemed new. Maybe I'm describing a place that never existed but I can dream can't I?

In 2006, Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson recorded a demo with the help of TV on the Radio's Kyp Malone and Grizzly Bear's Chris Taylor and Chris Bear. Meant for friends and family only, the burned CD-R got into the hands of a few more people than expected. This demo turned out to be his first album which was self-titled. About a year later during the winter of 2007, Miles and all of the same people worked on his followup which was a recount of the previous and terrible summer that Miles experienced (more on that later). Finally, last week on October 20, 2009 the album saw the light of day.

Aptly titled Summer of Fear, the album is an anthem to classic rock. With mostly upbeat and catchy songs, it could fit in perfectly during the summers of the '70s. It's apparent very early on though, that beneath the disguise of these happy sounding songs there's a dark undercurrent. In both his lyrics and tone, there's something more, something scary. There were a lot of drunken nights, bar fights and heartbreak that summer. All of which, Miles has been very vocal about in interviews. This is all reflected upon in Summer of Fear, with lyrics about alcohol, drugs, and a girl by the name Angeline, we can almost feel the pain inflicted upon him while he was writing these songs.

Album opener "Shake A Shot" uses an electric piano, slide guitar and a shaker as the background to Miles' questioning. "After all the suffering and shame / They want to know is it worth it?" The abrupt answer is, probably not. A simple but effective first track which sets the tone for what's to follow. "The Sound" is the best song on the first half of the album, consisting of the same electric piano part for most of the running time. It's catchy as hell though, trust me. A powerful chorus with yelping guest vocals from Kyp Malone tops it off. The only other highlight here is "Hard Row" a slower track that has some beautiful slide guitar throughout. The first couple of tracks sound a little too similar at first, it just takes a few listens to get into them. The first half of the album is a little slow moving, not to say that's a bad thing. It gets you prepared for the one two punch that is the second half.

"Summer of Fear Part One" starts in one place and ends somewhere completely different. It's a slow-building track that will send a few chills down your back. It's a perfect prelude to "Death By Dust" which is arguably the best song on the album. The title perfectly describes this dusty track that would fit right in your fathers old record collection. The chorus channels Fleetwood Mac with it's harmonized "Songs that you had sung" which always puts a smile on my face when I hear it. Throw in a grungy guitar solo and a soaring string part and you have one of the greatest songs of 2009 (or 1979). "Summer of Fear Part Two" brings us back down to a slow thumping floor tom and some catchy whistling. Followed by the decent "Losing For Winners", Miles really knows how to play with our emotions.

The last two songs make up the amazing ending. "More Than A Mess" is the other best track of the album. A sprawling eleven minute masterpiece that grows and grows while Miles describes scenes of a relationship. At certain points he stops singing altogether and rambles out the story in the form of a play or movie script. He uses a wide variety of instruments and sounds that rely on the same chord progression and focuses mainly on the lyrics which really shine here. This eventually turns into "Boat" and it's slow, slamming drums and beautiful guitar riffs. It's hard to decipher what Miles is singing but it doesn't really matter because after the pain and heartbreak that occupied the previous twelve tracks and that fateful summer, it's nice to just let go and feel hope for something better.

Summer of Fear will impress people who are into a lot of different genres of music. It's refreshing to hear someone who is a legitimate songwriter, someone who focuses on everything as a whole. Someone who doesn't sacrifice one thing for another and who will write a song for what it is, simply something to listen to. Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson is writing music just to write it, to express what he's feeling, not to make it big and pick up the next paycheck. Summer of Fear is the stage for Miles' story. No, we don't know who Angeline is and we don't know exactly what happened that summer, but through his music we feel like we somehow do. His songs act as a script to the story. Whether it's the questions he's having trouble answering in "Shake A Shot", the literal stage directions described in "More Than A Mess" or the ending of "Boat" which wraps the album up nicely as an organ and fluttering guitar parts fade to black.

8.8/10

Michael's Dream Last Night Part 1: The Robin Williams Scares Me Dream

So this is the first 'Dreams' post, where the writers for this site tell of their fascinating dreams from the night before. I'm proud to be kicking off the tradition with my latest dream, which I have titled 'The Robin Williams Scares Me Dream'.



Me and a friend of mine were at a bowling alley, planning on celebrating a birthday. We bought some beer at the bar, which instead of coming in individual bottles or glasses, came in twelve-packs. Then we were 'dream-transported' (you know, the way the setting of the dream will drastically change without you really noticing) to a grocery store, where we were to pay for the beer at the register. My friend had to leave for a moment, and while he was gone I got distracted in my thoughts. When my friend returned, he had 'dream-transformed' (you know, the way people in your dream change into other people, but they were the same 'person' that was there the whole time , without you noticing) into my girlfriend. When I came back to my senses, we both realized the beer had been stolen. Needless to say, we both started sobbing uncontrollably. We were 'dream-transported' to a very dark version of our apartment, where I looked out the window to see Robin Williams entering the building across the street. I was sure that it was Robin Williams who had stolen the beer. And it was time to get it back and kick his ass. So I walked over to Robin Williams' scary warehouse apartment, which was really more like an underground parking complex, after 'dream-transforming' into the little boy who played Anakin Skywalker in Episode I, and knocked on the door. I told him some lie to be able to get in, and inside I saw the beer. Now I was sitting on a table, naked, and had 'dream-transformed' into Macaulay Culkin. Robin Williams was standing in between me and the beer, telling me about his political conspiracy theories, dead serious and terrifying as hell. He started shouting, and I was certain that he figured out I was here for the beer, but he was also convinced that I was sent by the government to steal it from him. The End.

I don't remember what woke me up, but Bale-bless it.

Transformers 2

Okay, like I know it came out a GAZILLION years ago, but srsly, can we talk about this masterpiece PLZ?!

First off, let me say that Michael Bay is God. He should direct EVERY movie EVER!!! Like, if he could build a time machine (which he totally could because he's so rich and handsome...) he could go back in time and like direct these so-called "classics" like The Godfather (snooze), Casablanca (snore) and There Will Be Blood (could Daniel Gay-Lewis' moustache BE any more retarded?) these movies need more explosions and Megan Fox! That's what the people want!!! OMG. This sounds like a GREAT idea for a script! I am totally going to write a draft on my iPhone and txt it to Michael or Shia!!!

Okay, let's get to Transformers! My only complaint is it's WAY TOO SHORT!!! It seemed shorter than an episode of The Hills! OMG can you BELIEVE Heidi and Spencer this season?! I was like NO WAY!!!

Anywho, besides that small problem, this movie is PURFECT! (meow) I just rly felt a connection to every single character. Like, I feel like Megan, Shia, John Turturro and I could go out and get Slushies or something! And those two African American Transformers were HI-STAIR-I-CAL!!! They should both get an Oscar or better yet and MTV VIDEO AWARD! AHHH!!!

And do you remember that fight at the end?!?!?! There was an explosion and I was like WOAH!!! And all my friends were like AH!!! And I spilled popcorn butter ALL OVER MY NEW SWEATER!!! I didn't care though, because between the great acting, genius script and giant Transformer balls I was LOLZing ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!

I've seen it FOUR times in theaters! And if you haven't seen it yet, you are the biggest doofus face on planet Cybertron! BUT NO WORRIES DUMB-DUMB!!! It just came out on DVD last tuesday so you can watch it EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! LIKE ME!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHEXPLOSIONSHHHHHHHHHHHHHDESPERATEHOUSEWIVESHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10/10!!!

Ha! JK! This movie is garbage.

2/10

Jonathan Builds Something Out Of LEGOs Vol. 1: Badass Flying Tankmobile

First off, an introduction. This is a series where I, Jonathan, will build something out of LEGOs, then present it to you guys with helpful diagrams to help you all understand my artistic genius. Obviously the diagrams are necessary because as you can see by this first sculpture (which is how I will refer to these creations), each one of my works will be a complex masterpiece worthy of great praise and appreciation. Let's begin!

Vol.1: Badass Flying Tankmobile

A) Perhaps the most technologically advanced machine on this vehicle, this sun visor uses advanced shade technology to both shield the driver from deadly UV rays, and keep the sun out of his (or her, but probably him because look at this thing) eyes.

B) These spare tires guarantee that no matter what, you'll always have something to drive on. The ones on the wings are also machine guns.

C) These four lazer guns are powered by your enemies' fear.

D)This hidden spy camera allows the driver to the see anything directly in front of him, ensuring no one will ever sneak up on him. It shoots lazers too.

E) This driving shield is made of glasstanium, allowing it to stop rain, snow, dust, and deadly lazers.



F) This T. Rex launch bay is used to launch T. Rexes at enemies trailing you. The T. Rexes can reach speeds of almost 200 miles an hour, making them 3.7x more deadly.

G) Serves three purposes: 1) Acts as a launching ramp for the T. Rexes. 2) Helps to steer the vehicle like a rudder when it's flying. 3) Makes it look awesome.

H) A turbo booster that can quadruple the speed of the vehicle for five minutes, but can only be used once per day (those are the rules of the hex that powers it). It's also a trailer hitch.

I) All terrain wheels allow for driving over any surface, even completely frictionless ones. The raised rear axle helps to increase the badass factor by 20%.

J) Wings. Bitchin'.

And this concludes the first volume of Jonathan Builds Something Out Of LEGOs. I hope you've enjoyed my sculpture (that was a rhetorical statement, you're obviously in tears right now from it's beauty), and I hope you're looking forward to the next issue (again, rhetorical)!

Michael's Time Travel Adventures! Part 1: Sandra Blažić

This is the first installment of Michael's Time Travel Adventures! and as long as I'm in the present, I'll explain how this series is going to work. You see, I have what my doctor described as 'Acute Slaughter House 5 Syndrome', which sucks because it means I skip through time, experiencing different moments of my life out of the normal order, much like the main character in Slaughterhouse 5, by Kurt Vonnegut. It has also been called 'Time Traveler's Wife' syndrome, but that name didn't ever stick, because really, who cares about the time traveler's wife, right? It's the TIME TRAVELER we're interested in.

Anyways, one plus side to this disorder is that when I have my various time travel experiences, I can record the events in the form of movie reviews, game reviews, music reviews, gadget reviews, and interviews with famous celebrities, both live and dead! The crazy part is that my computer comes with me on my adventures, so that I may type these things and electronic-mail them to Kyle for this crazy site. Weird, right? So here is my first article.


When: April 18, 2029

What: Interview

Who: Sandra Blažić (Widow of the late Christian Bale)

Me: Thank you for meeting me today Miss Blazic, I know how many journalists have been trying to talk to you, given the recent tragedy, and I appreciate you choosing to tell your side of the story to Werewolf Bar Mitzvah first.

Blažić: Well thank you, and it’s pronounced Blažić, but you can call me Sandra. I couldn’t have gone to anyone else. I simply don’t trust the media anymore, but Werewolf Bar Mitzvah’s reputation for the last fifteen years has been incredible, I knew it had to be you.

Me: My first question would have to be simply: Why?

Blažić: (sigh) You journalists don’t tiptoe around, do you? (she wipes a tear from her eye) Well, to sum it up in one word, it was the fame. One person was simply not meant to be that famous. The letters, the calls, the telepathy mail, it was constant. It was just too much. People don’t realize how lonely it can be to have everyone in the world know your name, to have everyone watch your every move. On the outside he was a star, but on the inside…it was just too much pressure, he couldn’t allow it to go on.

Me: When you say it, are you referring to the recent religious movement, Baleism?

Blažić: Of course. Christian was not a savior, he was not any sort of messiah. Maybe he was a hero to thousands of people but really he was just an actor and just a man. I truly believe he…he did what he did to put a stop to the cult nonsense. But if he could’ve known how much the group was going to grow because of his death, he never would have.

Me: You say he was just an actor, but he truly was a hero to thousands, really millions of people. When the robot armies rebelled and gained control, he was the only one who knew what it would take to stop them.

Blažić: He played a significant role in the war, of course, but most of that was exaggerated by the press. He wasn’t a soldier or a scientist, just a man who was taught how to survive anything.

Me: Now, I know that most people in Hollywood 2 would say that his career really began with the success of the fifth installment of the Terminator films. But I believe there was another gem much earlier in his career which made it all possible.

Blažić: You’re talking about Newsies? Well, at the time I’m sure no one thought it would amount to much, and it took decades for it to really become the cult classic it became. But you’re right, without being asked to reprise his role as Jack Kelly in Newsies 2, he may not have ever gotten beyond mere Batman fame. (laughs) Really, it all seems so silly now, but I’m sure every actor felt that way about their work, before the change-over. Batman Begins and Dark Knight were really more for the kids.

Me: Yes, tell me about the change in Hollywood that eliminated every other actor and instead cast Christian in every role in every movie. How did that affect him?

Blažić: Well, he thought it was silly, and so did I. I mean he was flattered, of course, and many still say he deserved it, but I don’t see why every other actor deserved to be out of work those three and a half years. For Christian it wasn’t that hard, most of it was done with supercomputer hyperdigital effects. But still, he was glad things went back to the way they were after California sank into the ocean and Hollywood 2 was built.

Me: Well Sandra, that’s all we have room for today. Thank you so much for your time.

Blažić: Thank you, Michael, and thank you Werewolf Bar Mitzvah!

Well that’s it for now. Next time on Michael’s Time Travel Adventures!: March 9, 1977 interview with Roman Polanski. Should be a doozy! Goodnight, and Bale-bless us all.

Atlas Sound - Logos

"Spirits floating in the night, will they ever find their way?"

Being a huge fan of his Atlanta-based band Deerhunter and being slightly disappointed by his first solo album Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel, I was unsure what my reaction would be to Bradford Cox's followup, Logos. His first album focused mainly on ambiance and had a lo-fi bedroom feel, and while it had great tracks like "River Card" and "Quarantine", the album as a whole just felt uneven to me.

Logos was just the opposite.

After the self-titled final track's abrupt fadeout, one thing was clear. The album flows together incredibly. Every song here fits like a puzzle piece. Listening to Logos beginning to end, it's almost hard sometimes to realize that you aren't hearing the same track you just were. It's very rare to find an album where all of the songs belong and none of them feel out of place.

Album opener "The Light That Failed" begins with an eerie loop of noises and unraveling tapes that maintains the feel of his first album, but is then interrupted with the strum of an acoustic guitar (something not common in Let The Blind Lead...) and Cox's echoey and very-much-tampered-with vocals. It's a great first song to set the mood of the album. There's something familiar about the noisy ambiance, but he goes a step further and approaches a folk-rock atmosphere. A common theme throughout the album.

When we get to the third track "Walkabout", it's apparent that there's something even more at hand here. Featuring guest vocals by Animal Collective's Noah Lennox, "Walkabout" is a poppy masterpiece that can only reach its full potential if you turn the volume all the way up in your car and roll your windows down. The bulk of the song is a sample from the band Dovers and the repeated line "What did you want to see? / What did you want to be? / When you grew up". It's powerful enough to make you feel like a kid again, jumping into a pile of leaves.

Every song has it's part to play in Logos. Pulsing organs, a thumping drum crescendo and beautiful guest vocals by Lætitia Sadier occupy the fantastic "Quick Canal", an eight and a half minute song that never gets boring or slow-moving. Another highlight is "Logos", a repetitive but fun closer that ends the album on a high note. The greatest track though, is "Shelia". A song consisting of the same three chords, simple percussion and haunting lyrics like "We'll die alone together" all wrapped up in one of the catchiest and greatest tracks of this year. Bradford Cox shuffles between folky acoustic ballads, noisy electronic ambiance and pop songs that you can't help tapping your foot to, all while making them feel right in place. It's not an easy thing to create such a perfect montage of music.

Logos still has the experimentation and originality that Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel had, but is much more improved and approachable. I had the privilege to see Bradford play as both Atlas Sound and Deerhunter at the ATP Festival amongst many other bands including Animal Collective and Sufjan Stevens. The Atlas Sound set was plagued with faulty equipment, mistakes on Bradfords part and a short time slot. He ended up playing only five or six songs. The strange thing is, his set was my (and many other peoples) favorite that weekend. His shy but intriguing personality is reflected in his music. I left Logos feeling the same way I felt after seeing his performance. An exciting and haunting feeling that will stay with you for quite some time.

8.9/10

Hello.

First off, let me make it clear that we all think blogs are lame. Face it, no one wants to hear about your day, who broke up with who or how tough Chemistry is this year, but blogs are free! And we are broke. Yeah one of our writers is going to college for computers but do you think he wants to spend the time to make a good-looking official site? The answer is no, he doesn't.

So we threw this together and slapped on a name and a picture.

Welcome to Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. Your guide to everything from music and movies to time-travel and emperor penguins. We hope you enjoy it and if you don't then we don't really care! You aren't my real dad!